23 - To Wed or Not to Wed

Summary

In the peaceful surroundings of my Dockenfield cottage, Sinfonia Sacra was making steady progress. Meanwhile I evolved an excellent system of working with Camilla. She would drive down to Dockenfield for a day and prepare a tasty lunch for us (she was already a promising cook). Then we would go for a long walk through the pine forest behind my house, after which the serious work would begin: I would take a block of my headed writing paper, scrawl my signature at various levels on the page and hand the signed blanks over to Camilla, plus any letters that needed answering. She would stay on to cook supper, eventually returning to London. Thereafter, whenever I needed a letter written I would telephone her, and she would type in whatever was required above my signature and post it off without my ever having to bother with detail.

In the summer of 1962, I stopped seeing Camilla. It was a hard decision, but after my unhappy marriage and my very recent, sad involvement I was determined to steer clear of any serious relationship. I had mentioned to her many times my intention never to marry again, and she had nodded quietly and understandingly. However, not only was my attachment to her growing apace, but she, despite her heroic attempts to avoid impinging on my independence, was bad at hiding her feelings. Her eyes spoke emotion that she would never have voiced. I decided it was unfair to allow such a young person to become remotely dependent for happiness on me, and I attempted to end our affair.

But it was too late – for both of us. We needed each other. Soon we were spending more and more time together, though we both had to be strong-willed not to allow our longing to be together to interfere with the symphony.

Time was flying very fast, and it was clear by November that I would have to accelerate my efforts on my Sinfonia Sacra. I urgently needed those magical American dollars! As the weather deteriorated, I remembered the iciness of the previous winter in my uninsulated, underheated cottage. I suddenly resolved to take off for southern Spain and work full-tilt on the symphony, to have it ready as promised by March.