17 - Unravelling the tapestry of unspoken rules: living with being different in the academic space

Summary

Introduction

As a Black woman, I am not afforded the luxury of mediocrity. This is no different within the academic space, and is just one of the many unspoken rules that operate within academia. This essay explores my reflections on the time preceding my current support networks, existing networks of family and friends, and those that are virtual but no less valuable.

Background – undergraduate study

The current model of academia is unsustainable for anyone who deviates from the select few it was designed to benefit. This is particularly salient as a Black woman with a mental health disorder. It was never made clear that mental health issues were accounted for at undergraduate level and, therefore, how could I prove I was struggling with something when you could not visibly see my wounds?

I did not know I could ask for help, let alone how to. I will never forget the White academic who, with quintessential British politeness, asked me to never email her again after asking for clarification on my very first year- one assignment. These small interactions at university may seem insignificant, but in reality each experience was teaching me the boundaries of acceptability for me as a Black student.

Mental health services were incredibly inaccessible to the point that, when I had my first therapy session, I had already spiralled into suicidality. It hurts to recount the fact that I did not want to be alive. What is a degree if you are not around to receive it?

Master of none

Being diagnosed with anxiety in my master's year brought some clarity, but even more questions. I now had a name and a label for the chaos that consumed my mind. I was, however, already familiar with continuing regardless of what was going on, and this resulted in overworking myself – at times to the detriment of my health – to try and maintain standards of excellence.

The racism in academia is repackaged over and over again; there is nothing new under the sun. This is not only a biblical concept but something that deeply resonates with me, which is so well articulated by James Baldwin's statement on institutions: ‘I don't know what most white people in this country feel, but I can only conclude what they feel from the state of their institutions’ (Baldwin, 1969).