10 - Continuing bonds with deceased gay partners in mid and later life

Summary

Introduction

In many respects, death is a culturally expected part of human relationships, particularly intimate relationships between couples in mid and later life. For gay men specifically, death in the context of an intimate relationship has a salient history, namely the HIV-related deaths of many gay men from the 1980s onwards. Outside of this specific bereavement context, however, and like most intimate relationships, gay men may experience the loss of a partner for a diversity of reasons. Yet to date, the non-HIV-related bereavement experiences of gay men have received little attention (Patlamazoglou et al, 2018). This chapter explores the experiences of a sample of Australian older gay men who were grappling with the loss of a partner arising from cancer, heart and lung related illnesses, as well as their connections with the deceased.

Historically, research on bereavement proposed that central to the grieving process was the ‘slow and gradual’ severing of emotional and psychological ties with the deceased (Freud, 1917), including detachment and relocation of aspects of the deceased (Stroebe and Schut, 2010). Contemporary research, however, suggests that maintaining bonds with the deceased can constitute a healthy adaptation to bereavement (Wortman and Silver, 2001; Genevro et al, 2004; Steffen and Klass, 2018). Such adaptation can include finding ways to memorialise the deceased and engaging in rituals that allow the bereaved to find ways to maintain a continued bond with the deceased (Worden, 2018). This research highlights the agency of the bereaved to determine what constitutes a meaningful relationship with the deceased. While there is consensus in the literature that maintaining bonds with the deceased is a vital component of grief (Klass and Steffen, 2018), the nature and role of the bonds among bereaved gay men in mid and later life remains unclear.

Research on gay men and bereavement has suggested that while gay men are likely to experience forms of grief on loss on par with other people, there are also aspects of bereavement unique to gay men. These include grieving in a context of heteronormativity, a context in which gay men’s relationships may be stigmatised or not recognised, and their grief is prone to disenfranchisement (Bristowe et al, 2016).