6 - Complicating Harm and Gender Equality

Summary

Jamilah

I got married just before my 14th birthday, so I feel a bit embarrassed because, you know, when you look at your kids, you can't imagine them being married to someone at that age. I knew I was young, but my parents talked me down, saying: ‘You’re getting married, just do the Nikah, I’ll bring you back.’ But I ended up staying there. Eight months after the marriage, I came back and had my son, and then I went back after two years but it was hell. My husband was really violent and abusive. When two people argue, it's just going to get worse, and of course I didn't want to bring my kids up in that atmosphere so I just used to stay quiet and take the punishments. Whatever money I got, I used in the household, and whatever my ex earned was in his pocket. I thought he was putting it away for us and the kids, but I didn't know he was going to do the opposite and run off with it.

Now I blame myself because I should have spoken up, but at that time, we were having problems and my brother passed away, and he was only like 19; my other brother wasn't getting on well, and my other sisters were married and they were having problems. So one day I sat down and thought, ‘does my dad need my problems on top of him?’ I couldn't really tell my dad, because my dad's been through a lot in his life to then think ‘all these kids aren't happy’ as well.

While my dad was alive, I think he was a bit in control. But after he passed away, my ex started being bold in front of the kids. Then he got married again and he didn't tell me about it. I found out through other people, and he finally admitted it. He went to the second wife's house and he saw her family. They said they were fine – she could stay in Pakistan. But as soon as they got married, they wanted her to come over to England. The rules changed, so: ‘Now you’ve got our daughter, we want you to divorce your first wife.’ My ex used to say to me: ‘You coped with the physical and mental abuse all these years, so why not this?’