Chapter 1 - The Mattering Wheel

Summary

Feeling valued and adding value are not only complementary but highly interdependent. Together they create virtuous or vicious cycles. Marginalization and exclusion engender frustration, alienation, and even aggression, which make it very hard to gain positive regard. Appreciation, on the other hand, leads to self-confidence, mastery, and the desire to make a difference. This, in turn, will make you feel valued. Experiences of exclusion hurt because they threaten your sense of mattering; and if they happen often enough, research shows, they shatter your psychological and physical well-being. Indeed, the experience of exclusion has been linked to serious consequences, ranging from stress and depression to suicide to mass killings. In contrast to experiences of exclusion, if you’ve ever felt valued or had an opportunity to add value, you know how good it feels to matter – so much so that your health and happiness go up every time you experience these positive emotions. In fact, you live longer and feel more fulfilled when you experience them regularly.