Chapter 2 - Feeling Valued

Summary

The need to feel valued derives from three motives: survival, social, and existential. The attachment of a newborn to caregivers is very much a survival need. Without the love and care of parents, a baby cannot survive. The social need is expressed in the desire to belong to a group and to derive relational value from associations with friends and family. Finally, the existential motive operates through dignity and fairness. These three sets of motives are separate but complementary. If the first reason for needing to feel valued concerns survival motives, the second one pertains to social drives. The need to belong is closely related to the need to matter. Both derive from the need to validate our identity, and our existence, through interpersonal affirmation. If secure attachment to the mother accounts for the need for survival early in life, affiliation to a collective guarantees protection against enemies, scarcity, and natural disasters. However, belongingness is not just a protective mechanism – it is also a means of flourishing. Finally, we can think of dignity as the backbone of mattering.