Last year we reported remarkable increases in SBSI (Santa Body Size Index) among the world’s Santas, including Santa var. Shoppingmallensis, in a RUT (random uncontrollable tribulation) acronymised as YACH (Yngvain Annual Chuckle)(Reference Yngve1). This year we report that the Santa responsible for the North Nordic region, also known as the Ur-Santa, has developed hypertension.
In this year his rating on the Ashwell-Bunter waist:height scale(Reference Ashwell2) has risen from 0·75 to 0·80, and heroic extrapolations made by the International Over The Top Force (IOTTF)(3) predict in 2015 a rating of 1·0, corresponding to a waist as well as height measurement of 1·75 m. Bearing in mind that any set of data can support any hypothesis(Reference Cannon4, 5), Hawkesian analysis suggests a causal correlation with the expansion of Domino pizza parlours between 80 and 90°N(Reference Hawkes, Lobstein and Silverglade6), whereas an alternative approach indicates that industrial production of reindeer, with corresponding alteration of sleigh-driving dietary and adipose fat P/S ratios, may be the underbelly-lying factor(Reference McMichael7). The latter hypothesis however depends on the assumption that Santa is a Sami, in contradiction to the Wenceslaus consensus(Reference Artist8, Reference Khan9).
Sleigh-driving and northern nutritional problems
A Stable Door Task Force has been set up after the reindeer have bolted, following collapse of the Yule sleigh under Santa’s weight and his subsequent stalking by web-footed polar bears. He has now been given a tape measure and a pedometer and told to walk at least 10 000 steps a day – not easy since, with climate change, a five-minute stroll involves falling through the melting ice an average of five times and sleet is covering the narrow road between Santa’s cottage and the toy factory. He now uses his snowmobile to clear a walking track, and can be seen walking round and around with his headlamp flickering in the dark afternoons. Perhaps the darkness is a blessing, since his new purple jogging suit makes him look like a teletubby.
Santa’s mother lives in an elderly care centre. The food she is served every day, through the otherwise well-functioning public system, has been transported 600 kilometres by car and is cooked the previous week. It is delivered in a plastic box and is supposed to be heated in a microwave oven. This is a result of the local politics, where the quotation from the lowest bidder for this service won the bid of feeding the elderly(10).
The reindeer have other problems. Due to a planned windmill park with more than a thousand windmills, more than half of the grazing area for the reindeer will be lost. By next Christmas, they will be eating deerburgers and will be at risk of RSE or crazy reindeer disease.
How will Santa, his mother and his reindeer cope? Will Santa survive? Will Santa’s mother eventually get a decent meal, cooked locally? Will the reindeer find new grazing fields? And will local, regional and national policies start to consider health impact when making decisions and formulating policies?(Reference Heckler11)
Season’s greetings to all readers.
