Hostname: page-component-cd9895bd7-lnqnp Total loading time: 0 Render date: 2024-12-25T06:52:52.190Z Has data issue: false hasContentIssue false
  • English
  • Français

Mothering in later life: Older mothers and their challenging adult children

Published online by Cambridge University Press:  25 January 2021

Judith R. Smith Open the ORCID record for Judith R. Smith [Opens in a new window]
Judith R. Smith*
Affiliation:
Graduate School of Social Service, Fordham University, New York, USA
*
*Corresponding author. Email: Email: [email protected]
Get access Rights & Permissions [Opens in a new window]

Abstract

This study uses constructivist grounded theory to explore older women's responses to the unexpected need to provide financial, emotional and residential support to their adult children who were experiencing problems with mental illness, substance abuse and/or absence of employment. Twenty-nine American women (>60) were interviewed:55 per cent were poor and half were women of colour. Using the theoretical model of intergenerational ambivalence, three types of structural ambivalence are discovered: mothers’ reactions to their adult children's behaviour that violate expectations for reciprocity; women's dismayed reactions to their adult children's aggressive behaviours towards themselves as their mothers; and the women's struggle regarding balancing their role as a mother to protect their adult children alongside their wish and identified needs for self-care. All of the conflicts were expressed within the frame of their role of mother. The internalised mandate to be ‘a good mother’ resulted in many experiencing shame, self-blame and guilt, and this self-blame was an obstacle to reaching out for help. This study adds to the growing body of feminist gerontological research and examines the ideological and structural variables that influence the predominance of female unpaid family care-givers in later life. The dilemma for older women with troubled adult children is both personal and political.

Keywords

intergenerational relationshipsintergenerational ambivalenceelder abuseageingqualitative researchlow-income and minoritymother blame
Type
Article
Information
Ageing & Society , Volume 42 , Issue 8 , August 2022 , pp. 1822 - 1843
Copyright
Copyright © The Author(s), 2021. Published by Cambridge University Press

Access options

Get access to the full version of this content by using one of the access options below. (Log in options will check for institutional or personal access. Content may require purchase if you do not have access.)

References

Allan, J (2004) Mother blaming: a covert practice in therapeutic intervention. Australian Social Work 57, 57–70.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Avieli, H, Smeloy, Y and Band-Winterstein, T (2015) Departure scripts and life review of parents living with abusive adult children with mental disorder. Journal of Aging Studies 34, 48–56.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Band-Winterstein, T (2015) Whose suffering is this? Narratives of adult children and parents in long-term abusive relationships. Journal of Family Violence 30, 123–133.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Band-Winterstein, T, Smeloy, Y and Avieli, H (2014) Shared reality of the abusive and the vulnerable: the experience of aging for parents living with abusive adult children coping with mental disorder. International Psychogeriatrics 26, 1917–1927.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Band-Winterstein, T, Avieli, H and Smeloy, Y (2018) Harmed? Harmful? Experiencing abusive adult children with mental disorder over the life course. Journal of Interpersonal Violence 31, 2598–2621.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Bengtson, V, Giarrusso, R, Mabry, J and MS (2002) Solidarity, conflict, and ambivalence: complementary or competing perspectives on intergenerational relationships? Journal of Marriage and Family 64, 568–576.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Biggart, and Kovacheva, S (2006) Social change, family support, and young adults in Europe. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development 113, 49–61.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Birditt, K, Fingerman, K and Zarit, S (2010) Adult children's problems and successes: implications for intergenerational ambivalence. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 65B, 145–153.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Bozalek, V and Hooyman, N (2012) Ageing and intergenerational care: critical/political ethics of care and feminist gerontology perspectives. Agenda: Empowering Women for Gender Equity 26, 37–47.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Brandão, D, Ribeiro, O, Oliveira, M and Paúl, C (2017) Caring for a centenarian parent: an exploratory study on role strains and psychological distress. Scandinavian Journal of Caring Sciences 31, 984–994.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Caplan, PJ and Hall-McCorquodale, I (1985) Mother-blaming in major clinical journals. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 55, 345–353.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Caswell, S, Quan-You, R and Huckle, T (2011) Alcohol's harm to others: reduced wellbeing and health status for those with heavy drinkers in their lives. Addiction 106, 1087–1094.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Charmaz, K (2008) Constructivist grounded theory. In Gubrium, JH (ed.), Handbook of Constructivist Research. New York, NY: Guilford, pp. 397–412.Google Scholar
Charmaz, K (2012) Grounded theory: objectivist and constructivist approaches. In Denzin, N and Lincoln, Y (eds.) Strategies of Qualitative Inquiry. pp. 249–291.Google Scholar
Charmaz, K (2014) Constructing Grounded Theory. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.Google Scholar
Clarke, K, Holt, A, Norris, C and Nel, PW (2017) Adolescent-to-parent violence and abuse: parents’ management of tension and ambiguity – an interpretative phenomenological analysis. Child and Family Social Work 22, 4 1423–1430.Google Scholar
Connidis, IA (2015) Exploring ambivalence in family ties: progress and prospects. Journal of Marriage and Family 77, 77–95.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Connidis, IA and McMullin, JA (2002) Sociological ambivalence and family ties: a critical perspective. Journal of Marriage and the Family 64, 558–567.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Elder, GH Jr (1994) Time, human agency, and social change: perspectives on the life course. Social Psychology Quarterly 57, 4–15.Google Scholar
Fingerman, K, Chen, P-C, Hay, E, Cichy, KE and Lefkowitz, ES (2006) Ambivalent reactions in the parent and offspring relationship. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 61B, 152–161.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Fingerman, K, Pitzer, L, Lefkowitz, E, Birditt, K and Mroczek, D (2008) Ambivalent relationship qualities between adults and their parents: implications for both parties’ well-being. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 63B(6), 362–371.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Fingerman, K, Chang, Y, Birditt, K and Zarit, S (2012) ‘Only as happy as the least happy child’: multiple grown children's problems and successes and middle-aged parents’ well-being. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 67B, 184–194.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Fry, R (2016) A Rising Share of Young Adults Live in Their Parents’ Home. Washington, DC: Pew Research Center.Google Scholar
Funk, L and Kobayashi, K (2009) ‘Choice’ in filial care work: moving beyond a dichotomy. Canadian Sociological Review 46(3), 235–252.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Gans, D and Silverstein, M (2006) Norms of filial responsibility for aging parents across time and generations. Journal of Marriage and Family 68, 961–976.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Garey, A and Arrendell, T (2001) Children, work, and family: some thoughts on ‘motherblame’. In Hertz, R and Marshall, N (eds.), Working Families: The Transformation of the American Home. University of California Press, Berkeley CA. pp. 293–303.Google Scholar
Gilligan, M, Suitor, J, Feld, S and Pillemer, K (2015) Do positive feelings hurt? Disaggregating positive and negative components of intergenerational ambivalence. Journal of Marriage and Family 77, 261–276.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Guendouzi, J (2006) ‘The guilt thing’: balancing domestic and professional roles. Journal of Marriage and Family 68, 901–909.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Ha, HJ, Hong, J and Greenberg, J (2008) Age and gender differences in the well-being of midlife and aging parents with children with mental health or developmental problems: report of a national study. Journal of Health and Social Behavior 49, 301–316.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Hagestad, G (1986) Dimensions of time and the family. American Behavioral Scientist 29, 679–694.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Hagestad, G and Bengtson, V (1996) Reflections on continuity and discontinuity from an illness process. In Bengtson, V (ed.), Adulthood and Aging: Research on Continuities and Discontinuities. New York, NY: Springer, pp. 204–222.Google Scholar
Haider, S and McGarry, K (2018) Parental investments in college and later cash transfers. Demography 55, 1705–1725.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Henderon, A, Harmon, S and Newman, H (2016) The price mothers pay, even when they are not buying it: mental health consequences of idealized motherhood. Sex Roles 74, 512–526.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Hennick, M, Kaiser, B and Mercino, V (2017) Code saturation versus meaning saturation: how many interviews are enough? Qualitative Health Research 27, 591–608.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Holt, A (2008) Room for resistance? Parenting orders, disciplinary power and the production of ‘the bad parent’. In Squires, P (ed.), ASBO Nation: The Criminalization of Nuisance. Bristol, UK: Policy Press, pp. 203–222.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Holt, A (2011) Responding to the problem of ‘parent abuse’. The Psychologist 24, 186–188.Google Scholar
Holt, A (2013) Adolescent-to-Parent Abuse: Current Understandings in Research, Policy and Practice. Bristol, UK: Policy Press.Google Scholar
Hooyman, N (2014) Social and health disparities in aging: gender inequities in long-term care. Generations 38, 25–32.Google Scholar
Hooyman, N and Gonyea, J (1995) Feminist Perspectve on Family Care: Pleas for Gender Justice. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.Google Scholar
Hunt, G, Greene, R and Whiting, J (2016) On Pins and Needles. Washington, DC: National Alliance for Caregivers.Google Scholar
Ingersoll-Dayton, B, Dunkle, RE, Chadiha, L, Lawrence-Jacobson, A, Li, L, Weir, E and Sarorius, J (2011) Intergenerational ambivalence: aging mothers whose adult daughters are mentally ill. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services 92, 114–119.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Isengard, B, König, R and Szydlik, M (2018) Money or space? Intergenerational transfers in a comparative perspective. Housing Studies 33, 178–200.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Jackson, D and Mannix, J (2004) Giving voice to the burden of blame: a feminist study of mothers’ experiences of mother blaming. International Journal of Mental Health Nursing 10, 150–158.Google Scholar
Kageyama, M, Solomon, P, Yokoyama, K, Nakamura, Y, Kobayashi, S and Fuji, C (2018) Violence towards family caregivers by their relatives with schizophrenia in Japan. Psychiatric Quarterly 89, 329–340.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Kahn, J, Goldscheider, G and Garcia-Manglano, J (2013) Growing parental economic power in parent–child households: co-residence and financial dependency in the United States, 1960–2010. Demography 50, 1449–1475.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Kelly, T and Knopf, N (1995) Stigmatized and perpetual parents: older parents caring for adult children with life-long disabiliities. Journal of Gerontological Social Work 24, 3–16.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Kosberg, J, Lowenstein, A, Garcia, J and Biggs, S (2003) Study of elder abuse within diverse cultures. Journal of Elder Abuse and Neglect 15, 71–89.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Krestan, J and Bepko, C (1991) Codependency: the social reconstruction of female experience. In Bepko, C (ed.), Feminism and Addiction. New York, NY: Haworth, pp. 49–66.Google Scholar
Lachs, M and Berman, J (2011) Under the Radar: New York State Elder Abuse Prevalence Study, Self-reported Relevance and Documented Case Surveys. New York, NY: Weill Cornell and New York City Department of Aging.Google Scholar
Lantz, P, House, L, Mero, L and Williams, D (2005) Stress, life events, and socioeconomic behavior. Journal of Health and Social Behavior 46, 274–288.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Laslett, A, Catalano, P, Chikritzhs, T, Dale, C, Doran, C and Ferris, J (2010) Changing the Way We Drink: The Range and Magnitude of Alcohol's Harm to Others. Fitzroy, Australia: The Centre for Alcohol.Google Scholar
Levitzki, N (2009) Parenting of adult children in an Israeli sample: parents are always parents. Journal of Family Psychology 23, 222–235.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Liss, M, Schiffrin, H and Rizzo, K (2013) Maternal guilt and shame: the role of self-discrepancy and fear of negative evaluation. Journal of Child and Family Studies 22, 1112–1119.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Lowenstein, A (2007) Solidarity-conflict and ambivalence: testing two conceptual frameworks and their impact on quality of life for older family members. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 62B, S100–S107.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Luscher, K and Hoff, A (2013) Intergenerational ambivalence: beyond solidarity and conflict. In Pillemer, K and Luscher, K (eds), Intergenerational Relations: European Perspectives in Family and Society. Bristol, UK: Policy Press, pp. 39–63.Google Scholar
Luscher, K and Pillemer, K (1998) Intergenerational ambivalence: a new approach to the study of parent–child relations in later life. Journal of Marriage and Family 60(2), 413–425.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
McAdams, DP (1995) The Life Story Interview. Evanston, IL: Northwestern University.Google Scholar
Merton, RK and Barber, E (1963) Sociological ambivalence. In Tiryakian, EA (ed.), Sociological Theory, Values, and Sociocultural Change. Essays in Honor of Pitirim A. Sorokill. London: The Free Press, pp. 91–120.Google Scholar
Mishler, E (1999) Storylines: Craftartists’ Narratives of Identity. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.Google Scholar
Newman, K (2012) The Accordion Family. Boston, MA: Beacon Press.Google Scholar
Orford, J, Templeton, L, Velleman, R and Copello, A (2005) Family members of relatives with alcohol, drug and gambling problems: a set of standardized questionnaires for assessing stress, coping and strain. Addiction 100(11), 1611–1624.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Orford, J, Velleman, R, Guillermina, N, Templeton, L and Copello, A (2013) Addiction in the family is a major but neglected contributor to the global burden of adult ill-health. Social Science and Medicine 78, 70–77.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Parker, R (1995) Torn in Two: The Experience of Maternal Ambivalence. Virago Press. London UK.Google Scholar
Perrine, S (2017) The bank of mom and dad. AARP: The Magazine. 3-4.Google Scholar
Peters, C, Hooker, K and Zvonkovic, A (2006) Older parents’ perceptions of ambivalence in relationships with their children. Family Relations 55, 539–551.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Pillemer, K and Finkelhor, D (1989) Causes of elder abuse: caregiver stress versus problem relatives. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry 59, 179–187.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Pillemer, K and Suitor, J (1991) ‘Will I ever escape my child's problems?’ Effects of adult children's problems on elderly parents. Journal of Marriage and Family 53, 585–594.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Pillemer, K and Suitor, J (2002) Exploring mothers’ ambivalence toward their adult children. Journal of Marriage and Family 64, 602–613.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Pillemer, K, Suitor, J, Mock, S, Sabir, M, Pardo, T and Sechrist, J (2007) Capturing the complexity of intergenerational relations: exploring ambivalence within later-life families. Journal of Social Issues 63, 775–791.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Rappoport, A and Lowenstein, A (2007) A possible innovative association between the concept of inter-generational ambivalence and the emotions of guilt and shame in caregiving. European Journal of Ageing: Social, Behavioural and Health Perspectives 4, 13–21.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Reczek, C (2016) Ambivalence in gay and lesbian family relationships. Journal of Marriage and Family 78(3), 644–659.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Riessman, C (2008) Narrative Methods for the Human Sciences. Los Angeles, CA: Sage.Google Scholar
Rossi, A (1968) Transition to parenthood. Journal of Marriage and Family 30, 26–39.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Rotkirch, A and Janhunen, K (2010) Maternal guilt. Evolutionary Psychology 8, 90–106.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Rubinstein, E (2018) Extraordinary care for extraordinary conditions: constructing parental care for serious mental illness in Japan. Cultural Medical Psychiatry 42, 755–777.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Ruddick, S (1989) Maternal Thinking: Toward a Politics of Peace. Boston, MA: Beacon Press.Google Scholar
Ryff, C, Schmutte, P and Lee, Y (1996) How children turn out: implications for parental self-evaluation. In Ryff, CD and Seltzer, MM (eds), The Parental Experience in Midlife. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press, pp. 383–422.Google Scholar
Silverstein, M and Bengston, V (1997) Intergenerational solidarity and the structure of adult child–parent relationships in American families. American Journal of Sociology 103, 429–447.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Smith, JR (2012) Listening to older adult parents of adult children with mental illness. Journal of Family Social Work 15, 126–140.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Smith, JR (2015) Expanding constructions of elder abuse and neglect: older mothers’ subjective experiences. Journal of Elder Abuse and Neglect 27, 328–355.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Solomon, J Esq. and Olivera, G (2018) Interview with leadership of Harry and Jeanette Weinberg Center for Elder Justice. Hebrew Home in Riverdale. Bronx, N.Y.Google Scholar
Suitor, J, Gilligan, M and Pillemer, K (2011) Conceptualizing and measuring intergenerational ambivalence in later life. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 66B, 769–781.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Totsuko, E (1990) The history of Japanese psychiatry and the rights of mental patients. Psychiatric Bulletin 14, 193–200.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
van Gaalen, R, Dykstra, P and Komter, A (2010) Where is the exit? Intergenerational ambivalence and relationship quality in high contact ties. Journal of Aging Studies 24, 105–114.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Ward, RA and Spitze, GD (2007) Nestleaving and coresidence by young adult children: the role of family relations. Research on Aging 29, 257–277.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
White, L and Edwards, J (1990) Emptying the nest and parental well-being: an anlysis of national panel data. American Sociological Review 55, 235–242.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Wilson, A, Shuey, K and Elder, G (2003) Ambivalence in the relationship of adult children to aging parents and in-laws. Journal of Marriage and Family 65, 1055–1072CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Wong, O (2005) Gender and intimate caregiving in Hong Kong. Journal of Aging Studies 19, 375–391.CrossRefGoogle Scholar