This study uses constructivist grounded theory to explore older women's responses to the unexpected need to provide financial, emotional and residential support to their adult children who were experiencing problems with mental illness, substance abuse and/or absence of employment. Twenty-nine American women (>60) were interviewed:55 per cent were poor and half were women of colour. Using the theoretical model of intergenerational ambivalence, three types of structural ambivalence are discovered: mothers’ reactions to their adult children's behaviour that violate expectations for reciprocity; women's dismayed reactions to their adult children's aggressive behaviours towards themselves as their mothers; and the women's struggle regarding balancing their role as a mother to protect their adult children alongside their wish and identified needs for self-care. All of the conflicts were expressed within the frame of their role of mother. The internalised mandate to be ‘a good mother’ resulted in many experiencing shame, self-blame and guilt, and this self-blame was an obstacle to reaching out for help. This study adds to the growing body of feminist gerontological research and examines the ideological and structural variables that influence the predominance of female unpaid family care-givers in later life. The dilemma for older women with troubled adult children is both personal and political.