8 - When the Soul Snagged on Barbed Wire

Summary

This chapter could have easily been incorporated into the previous one, which deals mostly with religion. In my case, all aspects of my camp life were clearly rooted in my religious experiences. I am turning this into a separate chapter only because I suspect many of my readers will find some of my conclusions more acceptable without any references to religion. The reader should also be aware that this chapter has the greatest number of quotes from my letters. There is no point paraphrasing some of the thoughts I expressed at the time because I doubt I will be able to express them any better. Furthermore, those quotes are valuable because of their authenticity. After more than thirty years, they are not just quotations: they are also testimonies.

Formation of My Worldview

In camp, one's worldview develops the same way as it does in the free world: through the tension of an intense spiritual field that emerges between two diametrically opposing poles. These poles create a field of coordinates within which a person calibrates his own position, taking into consideration his doubts, revelations, torments, and exultations. The only difference is that in camp, the intensity of those torments and exultations is stronger.

From practically the first days of my incarceration—and to be honest, until today—I have grappled with the same dilemma I described in great detail in a letter sent to my family on May 16, 1982, referencing a poem that had been sent to me by one of my cousins, Olenka Tashuta. The gist of it is simple:

You cannot go through two doors at once. The first door represents one of my principles, “do not cause any hostility.” I am trying to make sense of the idea of all-forgiving Love. The second door is the desire not to be a naive utopian in the real world; it can be quite aptly described by the proverb, “Don't be too sweet, because you might get licked away.” … It is quite easy to predict what would happen should you try to enter both doors at the same time: you would just smash your nose against the frame.