Letter XII

Summary

My dearest Lady,

What a Task have you imposed uponme! And, according to the Terms you annex to it, how shall I acquit myself of it, without incurring the Censure of Affectation, if I freely accuse myself as I may deserve, or of Vanity, if I do not? Indeed, Madam, I have a great many Failings; and you don't know the Labour it costs me to keep them under; not so much for fear the World should see them, for, I bless God, I can hope they are not capital, as for fear they should become capital, if I were to let them grow upon me.

And this, surely, I need not have told your Ladyship, and my Lady Countess, who have read my Papers, and seen my Behaviour in the kind Visit you made to your dear Brother, and had from both but too much Reason to censure me, did not your generous and partial Favour make you overlook my greater Failings, and pass under a kinder Name many of my lesser: For, surely, my good Ladies, you must both of you have observed, in what you have read and seen, that I am naturally of a spiteful, saucy Temper; and, with all my appearing Meekness and Humility, can resent, and sting too, when I think myself provoked.

I have also discover’d in myself, on many Occasions, (of some of which I will by-and-by remind your Ladyship) a Malignancy of Heart, that, it is true, lasts but a little while—nor had it need—but for which I have often called myself to Account—to very little Purpose, hitherto.

And, indeed, Madam, (now for a little Extenuation, as you expect from me) I have some Difficulty, whether I ought, in the Station to which I am raised, to take much Pains to subdue myself in some Instances, that otherwise it would have become me to attempt to do: For it is no easy Task, for a Person in my Circumstances, to distinguish between the ought and the ought not ; to be humble without Meanness, and decent without Arrogance.