“Duckings”

Summary

Anyone who leaves Paris for any length of time is regularly astonished, when he gets back, by the persistence with which the bakers still make the same brioches every day and the smaller theatres still produce the same new comic operas, as well as by the sheer obstinacy with which the Opéra itself still performs the same old works.

As for bakers and smaller theatres continuing to produce the same new comic operas and the same brioches, that’s not really surprising. The means of ensuring the highest perfection in these agreeable products were discovered long ago, so why change them? Here indeed the best would be the enemy of the good. The important thing for the customer is a good oven, so that brioches can always be served fresh and remain very little time in stock. This is the opposite of the system at the Opéra, where some works are kept in stock until patrons can no longer bite into them, having lost all their teeth.

In swimming schools the term “ducking” is used for a manoeuvre whereby one swimmer jumps on top of another, puts a hand on his head and gives him a hefty shove down to the bottom. This is just what’s been happening since time immemorial at the Opéra-Comique and the Théâtre- Lyrique. The moment a bather wearing his life-jacket (without which he’d never stay afloat) sticks his head above water another swimmer gives him a ducking. The unfortunate victim goes under at once. Sometimes he reappears in a half-dead state, if he’s good at holding his breath—but this is rare. Usually he drowns.

The public enjoys these watery escapades enormously—without duckings to watch, hardly anyone would go to swimming schools. This is called “varying the repertoire”. At the Opéra, where there are no duckings and the works performed either sink on their own or

Apparent rari nantes,

floating as calmly as buoys in a harbour, they obstinately insist on merely “maintaining the repertoire”. These different systems must all be good in the final analysis, since they all bring the public flocking in. Bakeries, large theatres, small theatres—they’re all full. Consume, consume and you’ll be happy—as long as you don’t drown.