7 - Selfobjects: The Special Role of Wives and the Inner Circle

Summary

In trying to understand how some leaders can so grievously miscalculate their positions, it is important to understand the influence of those around the leader, both wives and the inner circle. No leader rules a country by himself. He has a circle of people around him who provide him with information and counsel and who execute his decisions. Leaders with healthy self-esteem insist on having “the best and the brightest” around them. They want advisers who challenge them and constructively criticize their decisions. But for others who are insecure under their grand façades, criticism is experienced as wounding, and the subordinate soon learns to watch his words. In addition, some leaders have wives who actively influence their husband’s decision making “for better or for worse.”

In characterizing the narcissistic personality, the gap between the grandiose façade and the underlying self-doubt and low self-esteem has been emphasized. This, in turn, is regularly associated with disturbances in interpersonal relationships. The deeply uncertain narcissist turns to those closest to him to provide reassurance and a sense of equilibrium.