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Published online by Cambridge University Press: 05 October 2010
Friday, April 1, 1743.—I rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles from Stockbridge, where the Indians live, with whom I am concerned, and there lodged on a little heap of straw; was greatly exercised with inward trials and distresses all day; and in the evening, my heart was sunk, and I seemed to have no God to go to. O that God would help me!
[The next five days, he was depressed. He speaks of God's waves and billows rolling over his soul; and of his being ready sometimes to say, Surely His mercy is clean gone for ever, and He will be favourable no more; and says, the anguish he endured was nameless and inconceivable. But at the same time speaks thus concerning his distresses: “What God designs by all my distresses I know not; but this I know, I deserve them all and thousands more.”]
Thursday, April 7.—Appeared to myself exceedingly ignorant, helpless, and unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me, I should never do any service or have any success among the Indians. My soul was weary of my life; I longed for death beyond measure. When I thought of any godly soul departed, I was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, “O when will my turn come? must it be years first?”
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